Self Improvement | The Feeling You Are Afraid to Fear Is Running ...

By Mary Lee Gannon ?

Fight or Flight ? you?ve certainly experienced it. Your heart rate and blood pressure elevate. Several hormones are then released into the bloodstream ? the most significant being epinephrine or adrenaline and cortisol. These hormones temporarily boost your ability to focus, remember and react spontaneously. But once the intensity reaches a certain level these drop off and concentration, mood and flexibility are compromised.

Many people say they work well under pressure ? for a while. They are on the adrenaline rush. Research supports, however, that prolonged exposure to stress results in a decline in physical, cognitive and affective wellbeing. And then it gets ugly.

Recently I had the privilege to spend some time with Author and Coach Rhonda Britten of Fearless Living and the former national television program ?Starting Over.? She profoundly stressed something that I believe is the root of much unhappiness, anxiety and tension in the world, ?The feeling you are afraid to feel is running your life.?

Think about it. When you react badly it is generally when you feel pressured, threatened, stressed, overwhelmed, unhappy, frustrated, depressed, etc. All of these are avoidance symptoms. They are what bubbles up within you when you are protecting yourself from something that is a part of you which you don?t want to confront. In the face of stress, you may find that you overreact, lash out, cry, are overly defensive, act irresponsibly, withdraw, ignore or any other of the avoidance behaviors. When the dust settles you feel shamed and beat yourself up with ?Why did I do that? I know better than that.? Unfortunately reacting rashly when stressed inhibits your effectiveness in work, love and family relationships, friendships, and social encounters. Thus you become less respected, effective, understood, revered and content.

So how do you fix it? There are many effective methods to reduce stress ? more than I can list here. But they are only a band aid over the bigger issue ? what are you really afraid of? You can?t let go of something that you haven?t defined.

There are a number of articles on my web site on fear. Don Miguel Ruiz?s book The Four Agreement holds two Agreements that I think are the biggest counter to feeling anxious and afraid. He wisely advises us: ?Don?t take anything personally,? and ?Don?t make assumptions.? Our life experience has led us to internalize our own and other people?s perceptions of us which leads to negative head trash like, ?They?ll think I can?t do it.? I?ll end up alone.? ?I never get a break.? ?He doesn?t really care about me.?

In order to eliminate the head trash you must learn not to eliminate your fears ? that is impossible ? but to co-exist with them.

Uncover Your Fear

1. Pay attention to your reactions. When do you react badly? Is it when you feel someone is challenging your performance? Is it when your loved one makes plans without you? Is it when someone challenges your perspective? Is it when someone is behaving hypocritically? If you are not sure keep a list and write down when this has happened and exactly how you felt at the moment you started behaving outside of your authentic self.

I react badly when?

2. Imagine yourself right smack dab in the middle of that critical moment when you lost it. Just before you said or did that thing that you regret, totally immerse yourself in the situation ? all of the negativity, judgment, insensitivity, assault language, feelings of abandonment, your own insecurity, and anxiousness. Now flash freeze everyone and everything in place. Nothing and no one is moving, breathing or talking. The silence is deafening. You are the only one freely moving, inhaling and exhaling, and thinking at this point.

3. What is your fear saying to you? At that moment the only sound you can hear is fear. It is trying to protect you, however negative it is ? what is it trying to protect you from? This is not yet your true fear. But listen to what it is saying.

My fear is saying this to me?

4. Ask yourself if the answer to #3 comes true, ?What will happen then?? What will happen in the worst case scenario if what you thought you feared came true? Keep asking the question, ?What will happen then until there are no more answers. This is what you are truly afraid of. This is where you feel devalued and threatened. This is what sends you over the edge outside of yourself.

If my fear comes true then?

My REAL FEAR is?

Release Your Fear

5. Clear the Chaos. Now imagine that all of the negative energy in the room as well as your fear is like a shower curtain around you ? all of the feelings of rejection, abandonment, judgment, inadequacy etc. Gently reach up and move that shower curtain aside and along with it all of that negative energy.

6. What do you think the people left in the room fear? These are the people whose behavior may be a source of your anxiety. Look at the people before you. They are behaving as a result of a feeling. What is that feeling? What could their fears be? What would be left if you moved their shower curtain of fears aside?

The people around me fear?

7. How can you serve them better? Focus on their needs instead of yours. Be curious and compassionate. This will take the anxiety out of the situation and give you a purpose that is not in reaction to your own fear but in service to the fear of others. You?ll feel valued. Not devalued.

I can better serve these people by?

8. What percentage chance does your fear have of coming true? It will be a low number since your fear is a perception and not based in truth. Post this number with the percent sign next to it where you can see it every day. Look at it and realize that your fear has only that chance of occurring.

9. Now that you understand what you are truly afraid of, live in conjunction with it as opposed to in anxiety over it. Understand that it is not your authentic self but a voice based on fear that is trying to protect you. Woosh it aside like the shower curtain when you notice it and assure it, ?I can handle it. I got this one.?

Mary Lee Gannon is a life reinvention coach that helps people reinvent their lives so that they can break through to life balance with financial abundance using the strategies that took her from welfare to CEO. She has been featured in Money Magazine, NPR, Yahoo.com, and U. S. News and World Report. Her book ?Starting Over? is available in bookstores, online or on her web site and her Life Reinvention System is available on her web site at http://www.StartingOverNow.com.

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