Q:The biggest issues in my relationship come down to consideration ...

• Date: November 6, 2012
• Author: Dr. Sara
• 0 Comments

A: Consideration is a good umbrella term here because in both examples you provided, not being acknowledged seemed to be the issue.

This is usually common at the beginning of relationships when people are not used to couple-hood, in people who lived alone for a while and are not used to think about another person or in people who did not have someone close to them who was involved in their everyday life. For example, they didn?t have a parent to ask them ?please text me when you are there so I know you?ve made it safely?. So basically this does not come natural to them and they need to learn a new pattern to keep their partners informed. This is the optimistic scenario; the other scenario is that your partner does not want to be controlled!

What I would like you to do is to check your own intention first. Which one of these resonates with you most?

-?????? Controlling/suspicious: are you waiting for his text to see where he is and isn?t?

-?????? Parenting/worried: are you worried that something have happened to him that he is late?

-?????? Deserving: do you see this as a sign of respect for him to text you when he is late or perhaps apologize as a sign of acknowledging that he kept you waiting?

In my opinion, the last one is the most important and usually the conversation you have with your partner based on this intention would be most efficient. If you have issues with respect at this level, you really need to think twice about your relationship because no relationship will last that long without partners respecting one another. I don?t know if you are living with your partner or not or how new your relationship is but in any case, you need to sit down with your partner and explain to him why this matters to you and how much this matters (this second part is usually left out in couple?s conversations that is why one person might not take the other person?s concern too seriously).

Regarding the second example you provided (use of ?I? and not ?we?), for a couple?s relationship to work both partners need to view it as a ?team? and language is just a way we articulate our thinking. It is great that your partner keeps his ?I? intact because you don?t want him to become ?one? with you (as promoted in the romantic literature) but on the other hand, if you feel it is being used in the couple?s context then you have to observe if he uses this only in front of certain people? (For example his friends, to show that he is leading the relationship or he is still one of them and haven?t lost his identity) or is this a representative of his general perception which then shows the way he views your unit as a couple. You might need to simply point this out to your partner (with a bit of humor maybe) that ?have you realized that you use ?I? a lot while the context of the conversation is about the two of us??.

These all are very generalized here because depending on the length of your relationship and whether? you live together or not, the analysis could be different.

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Source: http://www.sara-nasserzadeh.com/qthe-biggest-issues-in-my-relationship-come-down-to-consideration-for-e-g-he-doesnt-text-when-he-will-be-late-says-i-instead-of-we-and-generally-doesnt-empathize-with-me-can-this-chan/

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